When the World Wrestling Entertainment’s (WWE’s) biggest stars passed by the Philippines for a live event last September, fans didn’t expect that it would be anything more than a series of exhibition matches. That changed, however, when the infamously obnoxious Chris Jericho began mouthing off.
“I haven’t been to the Philippines for eight years, and I hope I don’t have to come back for another eight years, because the Philippines stinks!” Y2J sounded off. “And Manila is the anus!”
Although the WWE’s visit was several months ago, it appears some athletes weren’t quite willing to let the comments slide. In fact, several Lasallian student-athletes were so incensed at Jericho’s remarks that they issued a challenge to the WWE’s best in the form of a series of wrestling matches.
“In honor to defend the reputation of our country and our University, we hereby issue an open challenge to the WWE locker room,” the official statement, signed by Br. Ray Suplido, FSC himself, read. “This challenge will be held on-campus, of course, to comply with the recent CHED moratorium. All participants will need to have waivers signed. No waiver, no entry. Animo La Salle!”
Vince McMahon, the greedy billionaire chairman of the WWE, agreed to the challenge at once, on one condition: DLSU’s UAAP Season 78 General Championship was on the line.
Not knowing whether or not this was actually possible, the Lasallians accepted, and the fight was on.
Mbala vs Cena
Green Archer Ben Mbala was one of the athletes fielded by La Salle, but while the UAAP Season 79 MVP is used to destroying his opponents in the post, he now faces an entirely new challenge: an opponent who cannot even be seen, in the form of 16-time World Champion, John Cena.
Mbala decided to start watching game tape of Cena to figure out how to fight the Doctor of Thuganomics, but found himself stumped. “Everytime, he would get beaten up for 90 percent of the match,” Mbala explains. “Then he would go back to win it in five moves. Every. Single. Time. It’s almost like it was scripted or something.”
Although the Cameroonian enters his fight with Cena without a set strategy, he remains confident that he will figure something out. “Maybe I’ll bring infrared goggles or something,” the MVP muses. “I don’t know man. How am I supposed to fight a guy who’s invisible?”
Dy vs Charlotte
Charlotte Flair, who has been one of the WWE’s best wrestlers, promised to come away with the win against DLSU’s Kim Dy. “I guarantee I’m going to beat her. This fight is on pay-per-view, and as long Sasha Banks doesn’t interfere, I am going to win. It just always turns out that way for some reason.”
Unlike Flair’s rival Banks, though, Dy possesses the size needed to challenge the four-time Women’s Champion. Promising to use her “Super Spike” as a weapon against Flair, the Lady Spiker is confident heading into her bout. “I’ve played against women who hit harder than Charlotte. I’d be more afraid if I saw Valdez on the other side, instead of someone who only got to where she is because of her daddy.”
By “daddy,” Dy is obviously referring to Charlotte’s legendary father, Ric Flair. When asked for his thoughts on the fight, Flair simply said, “Woooo!” and strutted away.
Uy vs Orton
When talking about fights, it only makes sense that La Salle would send one of its most talented combat artists, Green Jin Kyle Uy. In response, McMahon is sending the “Legend Killer” Randy Orton.
Orton, who is known best for his patented RKO, has already said it will be his main focus. “Lately, I don’t even really have to do anything else. I just hit the RKO, then it’s always one-two-three.”
In response, however, Uy brushed off the possibility of getting RKO’d as he says he only gets hurt by “real fighting”, saying, “I kick and hurt people for real. Whatever he does, I’m sure no one cares.”
Uy, however, admits that watching some Vines has made him a little more wary of the Viper. “He’s hit the RKO on airplanes, buildings, even Superman!” Uy exclaims. “And always outta nowhere! I might have to hire some bodyguards to make sure he doesn’t sneak up on me.”
Orendain vs Undertaker
A mainstay of the WWE over the past decades, the Undertaker was a shoe-in to be one of the promotion’s fighters in this event. In turn, to fight the stoic, emotionless, and consistent big man, DLSU decided to respond with its own version of the Undertaker, Green Tennister Betto Orendain.
Like Taker, who spent his early days teaming with Kane, Orendain also spent his freshman year mostly playing in doubles competition. This year, however, an extended singles run has seen the Green Tennister flourish into one of the school’s best competitors.
When asked about the mega-fight, the Green Tennister did not seem worried, saying, “Honestly, that man is almost a senior citizen. I promise you, his entrance, which seems to take longer and longer every time, will take more time than the actual time I need to beat him up.”
One of The LaSallian’s correspondents visited the Undertaker looking to get his thoughts on the upcoming fight. Unfortunately for him, the Deadman decided to just Chokeslam him and walk away as a statement to his counterpart.
For Orendain, this is just additional fuel to the fire. “That reporter was one of our own. I am here to defend not only our country, but everyone from this school as well.”
Van Opstal vs CM Punk
A major surprise was UFC Fighter CM Punk’s announcement that he would return for one night only to help the WWE claim the UAAP Season 78 General Championship. In response, Arnold Van Opstal announced that he would return to help his alma mater one last time.
“I’ve spent a little time in the PBA,” Van Opstal shares. “So I’m a little bit used to that so-called scripted environment.”
Punk, on the other hand, is confident that he’s found a winning strategy against the Lasallian alumnus. “The guy touches his hair every five seconds,” the Straight Edge Superstar explains. “I think I’ll have a lot of openings.”
“I wouldn’t be too worried,” Van Opstal mentions. “I’ve seen commercials that lasted longer than he did in the octagon.”
Punk, however, shrugs in response. “It’s longer than the playing time he gets with SMB.”