Last week, the Planetary Defense Coalition, headed by the United States’ (US) National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA), the European Space Agency, and Russia’s Roscosmos State Corporation for Space Activities, launched the Earth’s entire nuclear arsenal at asteroid OSTD-T30 in an attempt to redirect it off its collision course with Earth. The 23-kilometer-wide asteroid is twice as large as the one that wiped out the dinosaurs 65 million years ago and is also much faster due to its extrasolar origins.
In the public eye
The existence of asteroid OSTD-T30 was not known to the public until last week when a NASA report was leaked to The New York Times. The resulting exposé revealed that due to an error by an intern in converting from metric to imperial units, only half of the rockets containing all of Earth’s nuclear warheads had enough fuel to reach the asteroid, which was originally projected to strike Florida in two weeks.
NASA Administrator Richard Cutter clarified in a press conference yesterday that the remaining 4,891 nuclear warheads that didn’t reach the asteroid “had reached low Earth orbit and will eventually re-enter the atmosphere, causing widespread nuclear devastation in about ten years.” Cutter also assured that the intern was chastised for causing the extinction of humanity.
It’s raining asteroids
Despite this, the newly-formed World Nuclear Council—composed of the US, the United Kingdom (UK), France, Russia, China, India, Pakistan, North Korea, and Israel—unanimously decided to detonate the remaining 5,323 bombs, ignoring the pleas of several notable astronomers, who have since gone missing.
According to the leaked NASA report, the nuclear detonation split the asteroid into nine fragments, each averaging 11 kilometers in diameter. The three largest fragments will impact Florida in the US while the next two largest fragments will impact Manila Bay and Davao in the Philippines. The impact sites for the remaining four fragments are still being determined.
A new hope: Alien oil
Spectrographic analysis of the fragments by American researchers has yielded some hope, however, as it appears to contain oil from ancient, carbon-based extraterrestrial life. Current estimates peg the asteroid’s oil content at one cubic kilometer of oil.
This discovery was praised by former US President Donald Trump, who posted on his brand new social media platform, Trumper, that the oil would help the human race recover from extinction. “It would be a beautiful sight to see before you die! Oil raining down from the sky, just what AMERICA NEEDS! THAT is what will make AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!!!” he posted online.
Growing global unrest
Chaos unfolded in the last session of the US Senate, with bickering from armed Republican and Democrat senators regarding the imminent extinction of the human race. Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who fired three gunshots in the Senate chamber before speaking, expressed his and his colleagues’ concerns with the inevitable economic downturn that the asteroid may cause.
Meanwhile, other lawmakers such as Senator Marjorie Taylor Greene have denied the leaked NASA report and downplayed the estimated danger and size of the asteroid claiming that it is a “radical liberal plot by the globalist elite to control the masses.” Democrats, on the other hand, shared similar concerns with the Republicans but did not care to elaborate as they still needed progressive support to win the 2022 Senate election if ever they survived.
Across the sea, the European Union (EU) has unveiled its extensive network of bunkers which would house its citizens after the impacts. This action has been met with some criticism from UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson, as Brexit had left the UK out of the EU’s bunker plan. Johnson has since pledged to expeditiously roll back the entirety of Brexit, but the EU has rebuffed his offers.
Meanwhile, President Rodrigo Duterte spoke to the nation earlier this morning, admitting in an impassioned address that he didn’t know what to do. “T——-g mga puti kasi, ‘di raw marunong mag-convert yung bata, ayun tuloy, nabasag lang ‘yung bato kasi kulang ‘raw yung bomba. ‘Di kong (sic) alam kung anong magagawa ko,” he lamented.
(Those damn Caucasians, the kid didn’t know how to convert units, and because of that, the asteroid shattered since there were not enough bombs. I do not know what I can do anymore.)
With news of humanity’s imminent destruction, people all over the world have started rioting, with some even partying despite the COVID-19 pandemic. Student Miguel Pabigat (III, BS-ORG), for one, says his entire family went out to steal alcohol from a local 7-Eleven. “Wooh! Let’s party party mga dudes and dudettes! YOLO, ‘di ba, as they say, you only live once, bruh!” he exclaimed.