Menagerie Incoming ID 1-2-Trouble: Jacobs, Howard, and Perez experience euphoric highs through Lasallian education
Menagerie Incoming ID 1-2-Trouble: Jacobs, Howard, and Perez experience euphoric highs through Lasallian education
Incoming ID 1-2-Trouble: Jacobs, Howard, and Perez experience euphoric highs through Lasallian education

Alumni of East Highland High School—famously known as Euphoria High—Nate Jacobs, Cassie Howard, and Maddy Perez, will be bringing glitter and chaos to the University this coming school year. 

As word regarding their recent passing of the University’s application process had gone out, rumors spread by members of the Mari-Union have already put them at the center of controversy. Allegedly, all three earned single-digit scores in the DLSU College Admissions Test. Their grades and credentials are also said to have barely even met the University’s standards—especially with multiple disciplinary offenses in their records.

But these students did not come to play nor study—except maybe Jacobs. Perez is set to girlboss her way to a degree, while C. Howard is simply ready to gatekeep her football superstar on-again and off-again boyfriend Jacobs—who intends to gaslight everyone within a one-foot radius of his six-foot frame.

The country’s leading learner-centered research university versus the most delusional, toxic teenagers—will these students find redemption or will the University be ruined forever?

(Vulgarity), we’re not joking

Perez applied in DLSU to get as far away from East Highland, California as possible, “Yeah, I’m not supposed to [enroll] here now ‘cause I dress like a hooker and none of you like my grades, but I just wanted to say (vulgarity) all of you.”’ She also dropped derogatory names for those who criticized her admission—a habit she has been terribly known for. 

Despite the cynicism surrounding their accepted applications, the Euphoria High alums have their reasons for choosing DLSU. “I used to not have any dreams whatsoever but I think this school will make me the top business (vulgarity) in the world. Manifesting those billionaire vibes, babe,” she discloses.

Heir to his town’s business conglomerate, Jacobs also is glad to be majoring in Interdisciplinary Business Studies as an incoming frosh. He was prompted to join the University because of the athletic scholarship offered to him. But his convenient admission is widely lambasted by students on social media due to him being “manipulative, abusive, and (vulgarity) crazy,” as Mari-Union President Marites Santiago (III, BS-ORG) puts it. In response to these accusations, Jacobs expresses, “Shut the (vulgarity) up, you don’t know what it’s like to have a dad that doesn’t love you.”

But C. Howard assures, “Lasallians shouldn’t have to worry about my Nate’s issues. I can fix him.” She will be enrolled under the University’s AB Psychology program, as she says being a psychologist is her destined career. “I totally get emotions, like I have a deeper understanding of what love is,” she says confidently. “Like, falling in love with your ex-best friend’s ex-boyfriend shows how powerful love can be.” 

Animo pride

More than that, the Euphoria trio are already scheming to elevate their college experience. C. Howard envisions, “We should just pick the hottest, most confident, bad (vulgarity) version of ourselves, and be that for the rest of the school year.” Similarly, Perez excitedly shares, “I’ve been doing so much research about this school. My main source? [The] DLSU Freedom Wall of course, [it’s] totally informative—which places to (vulgarity) [in], what’s the latest tea, everything really!” Eyeing the Animo Squad and the University Student Government, she has already planned out her campus life. “It looks so easy, I can run the whole campus just by being popular. Who cares if (vulgarity) incompetent? Everyone is,” Perez insists. 

When asked about her future platforms, Perez passionately focuses on one idea in mind: “Abolish the (vulgarity) dress code of course!” she announces. “I mean me, in jeans and a t-shirt with no cutouts?! First of all, ew. Second of all, ew!” she reasons. But most importantly, she calls to attention the abolishment of the Student Discipline Formation Office (SDFO) as they are, in her words, “useless.”

Meanwhile, Jacobs plans to continue his athletic career in DLSU. “He was the star quarterback in high school so it makes sense [why] they want him. American football, English football, it’s all the same!—he  knows his balls,” C. Howard boasts. 

When asked about other Lasallian-like virtues that Jacobs would like to hone in the University, C. Howard patronizes, “He is charming and handsome. He respects women—as his girlfriend, I feel loved and I’m sure he’ll fit right in with all the other boys on campus,” C. Howard affirms. As for her personal interests, C. Howard just aims to support Jacobs’ athletic journey, saying that “I have never, ever been happier.” 

The future begins here

News of their future Lasallian transformation has spread to their schoolmates back at Euphoria High and some juniors are planning to apply for the University soon. “I dig DLSU for sure,” shares Rue Bennett. “I heard from that Mari-Union org that you could get Coke from the vending machines.” 

C. Howard’s sister, Lexi Howard, is also eyeing the University’s stellar Department of Literature and Culture and Arts Office. “I feel like I can revolutionize the University’s performing arts group by exposing the drama within campus walls,” L. Howard plots. The University has recently observed that the student body lacks diversity, which is why it has focused on convincing more white people to apply.

The administration is currently preparing for the in-person The Greening—DLSU’s Freshman Fair—which will take place on April 30. To make them feel welcome, the administration decided to give the event a fun theme: A Trip to the Carnival. Halls will be lined with neon string lights; carousel music will be heard throughout the campus; and cotton candy and popcorn will be offered for free to the prospective freshmen. The event organizers—a group called Fez Co.—say that they want the new students, especially those from Euphoria High, to feel “like they never left home.”

Despite the funfair, C. Howard won’t be attending the Greening. When asked why, she goes hysterical, “You (vulgarity) know what I’m (vulgarity) talking about but you (vulgarity) want to exploit my (vulgarity) trauma!” Meanwhile, Perez is ecstatic. “It’s a (vulgarity) vibe! (vulgarity)’s about to get real, especially for the SDFO—yup, I’m coming for them right away,” she says excitedly.

Despite the University’s intention to transform the Euphoria trio into the ideal Lasallians, it seems as if roles shall be reversed. Perez, Jacobs, and C. Howard are already causing a shift in DLSU culture—even if they haven’t been on campus yet. But they absolutely do not care. 

In the wise words of C. Howard, “Well, if that makes me a villain, then so (vulgarity) be it!”