Cosmetic companies have always sold hope in a jar—creams and potions that promise youth, beauty, and love to people who use them.

Birdie, in particular, has spent decades connecting its brand to social ideals. Through its “Unreal Beauty” campaign, the company peddled the crowd-pleasing notion that beauty is a media creation and that self-esteem means ignoring imperfections.

But this is just the beginning. Striving to go beyond body positivity, Birdie plans to raise our spirits and create a new wave of wellness. Aptly named “True Happiness,” the campaign features cosmetic products that can change the way we act.

The first product to be released is the UWU conditioner, which can wash, moisturize, and soften the cerebral tissue itself. If successful, insiders say, the line may revolutionize the satisfaction sector of the world’s budding psychological reinforcement industry.

Smoother, shinier brains

The selling point of Birdie’s behavioral conditioner is its brave, new wonder drug: upbeatol wonderil or UWU. Cosmetic chemist Pavlov Lupin describes UWU as a “drug that brightens up your day even if it’s nighttime.”

Alongside a team of pharmacologists and neuroscientists, he examined the effects of UWU on 690 participants. Experiments show that the drug directly targets three areas in the brain: the frontal lobe, which is responsible for voluntary movements; the limbic system, which governs memory and emotions; and the hypothalamus, which regulates the body’s hormones.

The conditioner’s patented “Scalp Punishing Action” is built on the idea that the brain is not fixed. It is said to be a dynamic system, constantly altering its own circuitry to match the demands of the environment and the capability of the body. Under the influence of UWU, people are cocooned in a state of chemically induced stupor, intensifying their responses to rewards and punishments.

No choice?

Similar to any organ of the body, the brain requires proper care and attention. However, this is overlooked by many, thinking that a healthy brain only underlies exercise and a proper diet. Motivated to eradicate this mindset, Lupin formulated Birdie’s latest conditioner.

“I want optimism and positivity radiating through the country in the fastest way possible,” he avows, explaining that his conditioner could induce profound psychological realignments that can take decades to achieve on a therapist’s couch. “It’s a long-lasting and fast-acting solution, so why not?” he furthers.

To illustrate how the conditioner seeps through the brain, Camp Crystal Lake City Hydraulics Engineer Martin Marcelo narrates, “I was having a really bad day. However, after applying the conditioner and subsequently watching my favorite sitcom, I started to feel amazing!” He adds that the jocular moments were intensified all the more after applying the conditioner.

Likewise, Our Lady of Angels Hospital Neurosurgeon Dr. Alexandra Nario describes the effects of the conditioner to be relaxing and pleasurable to both the mind and body, affecting her daily routines and her overall outlook on life. “I’ve never felt better,” she expresses.

But despite the powerful effects of the conditioner, not everyone has reported a pleasant experience with the product. After being ensconced in his laboratory for three months to study astrology, Nobel laureate Sebastian “The Cancer” Arambulo, tested out the product thinking that he, too, would share the same relaxing and enjoyable experience as Marcelo and Nario.

However, due to his stress level as a scientist, the conditioner only aggravated his current mental state. “Not to be hyperbolic, but my head feels like it’s being caved in with a bat,” he attests, eventually arguing that Birdie must halt the mass production of this product due to the brutal sensation it leaves users.

Although it is true that this conditioner can boost one’s mood, especially for those who already have a positive mindset. However, Arambulo points out, “It’s as if you’re leaving those who are troubled stuck between a rock and a hard place; this conditioner is essentially forcing them to be happy all the time, which they shouldn’t be.”

Best Save More Deals—a major distributor of the conditioner—was asked for a comment, but they only sent a picture of an eggplant and peach emoji as a response. 

Unsettled hurdles

Despite its rather unconventional role in one’s pursuit of happiness, Birdie’s UWU behavioral conditioner continues to face a number of ethical quandaries. Neuroethicist Dr. Joyousful Gracscious Magboo posits that the conditioner deprives human beings of their self-governance. “I am afraid this conditioner may interfere with our decision-making, and ultimately, compromise our autonomous nature,” she stresses.

This form of neural intrusion also raises privacy concerns, specifically with how the product enables access to a person’s neural activity. As such, all forms of brain signals—including those which code for thoughts and emotions—are made easily available for the psychotropic drug UWU to read and rewrite.

“It is indeed mind-blowing,” remarks Maria Tulio (II, BS-ORG). Tulio expresses her amazement over how Birdie animated science fiction themes, like mind control, through something as mundane as a hair conditioner.

High risks, high rewards

Despite mixed responses, Birdie will still push through with its campaign. The new conditioner is expected to hit stores everywhere by mid-April. “When you face bad publicity, it’s tempting to switch to an easy, low-risk project instead,” says company spokesperson Bernard Soma. “But that will only lead to the premature death of tens of thousands of good ideas.”

Birdie is currently collaborating with other industry leaders to fine-tune the product and form derivatives of its wonder drug. “Instead of UWU, imagine a lotion filled with ‘sonnetol’ to spur creativity in writers, or a bar soap with ‘strategine’ to train soldiers, or even a face mask of ‘divinitine’ to aid religious leaders,” Soma exclaims.

The products seem promising, but the lack of ethical clarity still poses an issue. For Soma, cultivating trust between the brand and its customers is necessary to ensure the success of the campaign. “All eyes are on Birdie,” he says. “This is our chance to expand our company and tap into new markets. We just have to figure out the best strategy to empty people’s wallets as efficiently as possible.”