Pets are the most beloved companion of many. With the joy that they bring, they hold families together and act as one’s most loyal confidant. However, anomalous behavior is recently being observed in these domesticated animals and is threatening their title of being “man’s best friend”.
Straight from fiction
As of March 1, 2022, nearly 420,000 pet owners worldwide have expressed concerns about their animals spontaneously acquiring the ability to speak. This phenomenon has hitherto never been seen in dogs, cats, fish, hamsters, crocodiles, and turtles. Even pet parrots are starting to speak beyond simply mimicking their owner’s voice.
The pets are said to begin conversations about topics that are often brought up around their humans. One of the first instances of this behavior occurred in Davao City. “My crocodile nonchalantly began commenting on my mother’s lip fillers,” remarks Josefina Ramos, a saltwater crocodile owner.
Many children are ecstatic about this change in behavior, feeling as if their favorite cartoons such as Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Paw Patrol are coming to life. “My puppy used to say woof woof woof but now he says, ‘I am going to shoplift the pet store.’ I don’t know what he means by that but I think he is going to lift the pet store with his new superpowers,” shares six-year old Raya Chua, who is excited by the prospect of her pet’s newfound speech.
But these sentiments are not shared by everyone. According to the most recent statistical data from the Philippine National Police (PNP), crime rates have increased by 69 percent. This is primarily because of the influx of newly reported crimes from the pets of victims and suspects. Although the PNP has been overwhelmed by this dramatic flood of cases, they are grateful that some of their most perplexing cases are finally getting answers.
PNP Chief Dionardo Carlos notes a specific case wherein 153 limited edition My Little Pony minifigures were stolen from a local Toys R Us in 2017. The case remained unresolved until a man, 47-year old Nobi Chez, was reported to the PNP by his goldfish last Tuesday, March 29. A subsequent investigation found him to be the perpetrator of the crime. Chez has since been sentenced to seven years behind bars.
Searching for answers
A group of researchers at the Makati Human and Animal Behavior Association (MAHABA), are currently studying this phenomenon, referring to it as Spontaneous Linguistic Imitation (SLI). They theorize that this sudden acquisition of behavior in SLI is a result of families being home more often due to quarantine regulations. “Domesticated animals are getting overstimulated by the increased amount of conversations within households which is, in turn, subconsciously teaching them to speak,” elaborates MAHABA Research Director Mizz Nakita.
The Luzo Lean Church, meanwhile, disagrees with the scientific explanations presented by MAHABA and is adamant that talking pets are a sign of a demonic presence on the planet. According to their religious texts, talking animals are the first sign of a specific demon named Bob. He is one of the most powerful and feared beings in their religion, infamous for causing people to “flatulate unwillingly and strongly.”
The elixir
Still seeking Food and Drug Administration approval for her patented drug, Dr. Annie Malstink rushed to create a potential cure for these abnormalities. The drug, Mutizer, is composed of high doses of synthesized dopamine meant to target the Broca’s area, a region of the brain responsible for speech.
It has long been held that only humans possess this feature. However, even more recent research than the most recent ones has shown that the talking animals have somehow developed a similar structure in their brains as well. “This is a mutation that needs fixing,” Malstink states. She believes that humans are responsible for both causing and solving the crisis.
Freedom of woof
News of the experimental drug has sparked outrage among animal rights activists. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) adamantly claims that animals should retain basic rights including freedom of speech. The hashtag #FreedomofWoof has been trending since news of Malstink’s drug came to light on March 31. Joining the fight, famed celebrities like Taylor Swift and Ariana Grande have taken to supporting PETA’s stance.
“I have three cats, but only Meredith Grey has come around to speak and she’s been great company,” Swift beams. “It would be absolutely cruel to suddenly take that away from her,” the music industry avows. Similarly, Ariana Grande displayed her support during her concert in the Pasadena Rose Garden as she debuted her hit single, God is a Dobermann.
Some scientists have also claimed that the drug would interfere with the natural course of evolution. Marine biologist Dr. Dolly Fin states, “If this is where we are headed then so be it. For all we know, talking animals could really contribute to scientific progress if we just let them.” While many still fear this unprecedented change, Fin stands by her view that fear hampers progress.
Looking ahead, it is difficult to tell whether the “cure” for talking pets will, in the long, benefit or harm us. If there is anything this phenomenon has taught us, it is that despite modern technology, the secrets of evolutionary biology remain a mystery to us. Perhaps then, it is best to let nature reveal itself to us.