DLSU welcomes Kween Yasmin Asistido in multiple faculty seats

DLSU upholds its commitment to furthering educational excellence by appointing the ONLY obvious choice in multiple faculty positions: Kween Yasmin Asistido.

In a bold move toward academic excellence, DLSU appointed Kween Yasmin Asistido as the faculty adviser of the DLSU Chorale, chair of the Department of Biology, and a faculty member of the Department of Literature all at once.

The admin, in the Kween’s welcome parade last March 28, expressed that hiring a “multi-purpose ‘Kween’” like Asistido was “one of the easiest decisions” they have ever made, a close second to their recent approval of yet another tuition fee increase. 

Strictly Kween behavior only!

New melodies

Upon her arrival at DLSU, the Kween was welcomed by then DLSU Culture and Arts Office (CAO) Director Simon Cowell, who requested that she perform her widely known cover of Jessie J’s Flashlight at the Cory Aquino Democratic Space (CADS) to showcase her talent in singing.

The performance received a standing ovation from Lasallians, but the CAO Director had conflicting thoughts about her voice. “It was absolutely excruciating. From start to finish,” Cowell commented. “I’m stuck in the dark but you’re my flashlight daw, pero nandilim yung paningin ko habang kumakanta siya.”

(…but my vision dimmed while she was singing.)

This was, DLSU President Zeke Abella admits, the reason for Cowell’s immediate removal. Having witnessed the performance and hearing the CAO director’s thoughts on the Kween’s voice, he appointed Asistido to succeed Cowell. Abella explains that he will always stand by Asistido, saying, “Kung sino man ang kumokontra kay Kween Yasmin ay kumokontra sa kapayapaan.”

(Whoever is against Kween Yasmin is against peace.)

He also reaffirms that he foresees Asistido to be an exemplary addition to the DLSU Chorale, the Department of Literature, and the CAO. “I think Kween Yasmin is…next question,” Abella expounds.

DLSU Chorale member Alex Consani shares that Asistido’s performance at CADS “left quite an impression.” “Ngayon lang ako nakarinig ng ganyang kalaking lamok na umiikot malapit sa tenga ko,” she expresses.

(It’s my first time hearing a mosquito that large near my ear.)

Parang katunog ng takure na may kumukulong tubig si Kween Yasmin, very bubbly! I don’t know if I can pull it off, but I know that she’ll train me well at pakukuluin niya rin ang passion ko for singing,” Issy Tan, another chorale member, adds.

(Kween Yasmin sounds like a boiling pot of water…she’ll boil up my passion for singing.)

Asistido, dubbed as Asia’s Songbook and Global Vocal Nightingale, shares that the gates of her music conservatory, which is the bird cage at the Marian Quadrangle, are open to anyone who would like to take singing lessons. 

Master of anatomy

While Asistido’s lack of notable credentials in the field of biology is an area of concern for some faculty members, she assured everyone in a press conference on her DLSU stint on March 29 that her knowledge on the subject makes her qualified enough.

Pagdating sa biologyesophagus, esophagus, habang tayo’y kumakain sa hapag-kainan, hindi mawawala ang iyong esophagus. Mananatili ‘yan habang-buhay. Dadaloy ‘yan sa iyong sinapupunan,” Asistido declared to further solidify her skills.

(When it comes to biology, esophagus, esophagus, while we are eating at the dining table, your esophagus won’t be gone. It will stay forever. It will flow in your womb.)

Her anecdote left Lasallians in awe but the faculty in confusion, with some expressing their worries about Asistido’s level of expertise. “Sa Human Biology students, sorry in advance. Sa aking kapwa Pilipino, bawal magkasakit lalo na kung ganito ang gagamot sa inyo,” Assistant Lecturer Cristina Yang commented in the event’s open forum.

(To my fellow Filipinos, getting sick is not allowed if the person who will cure you is like this.)

Despite the barrage of criticisms, Asistido promised that she would remain steadfast in her commitment to furthering the quality of biology lectures at the University. Addressing her critics and detractors within the Lasallian community, she replied with a brief “baby, kalma.”

Long live the queen!

Even though she is met with criticism in her other endeavors, Asistido is seen by the Department of Literature as their prized jewel due to her literary proficiency, especially in spoken poetry.

Literature professor John Keating tells The LuhSallian his admiration for Asistido’s piece, Pantog, noting that the representation of the human bladder in her poem serves as a powerful reminder about the inadequacy of medical care in the Philippines and the cultural implications of kilig.

“I’m utterly inspired by Kween Yasmin’s ingenious use of our pantogs to symbolize how Filipinos find themselves constantly holding in the government’s incompetence. Truly, the government is urine because all they do is piss us off,” Keating exclaims.

Moreover, Asistido’s influence led to a record-breaking surge in literary works produced by the department’s faculty members, inspiring a majority of professors with her compelling creations. Department of Literature Chair Lang Leaves disclosed that the department is to make GEKWEEN, a general education course centering around the Kween’s life and the impact of her works on the country’s social consciousness.

With her contributions and legendary status at an early age, the University is set to renovate the sixth floor of the Learning Commons into the Asistido Spoken Spokening Safe Spot (ASSSS). The ASSSS will serve as the official space for students to express their feelings and concerns through intimate speech and poetry, according to the Office of the Associate Vice Chancellor for Campus Development. 

This article was published in The LaSallian‘s Spoof 2024 issue. To read more, visit bit.ly/TLSSpoof2024.