Data gathering is a crucial aspect of Filipino culture and identity. From Sarah Kahati shading her nonchalant (never OA) former mother-in-law Anabelle NoDrama to Rosmarimar locking out BeLuh PadilYuh inside a comfort room out of jealousy—these are only some of the few systematically triangulated news that captivated the hearts and minds of the Filipinos. The juicy gossip and intriguing revelations are effortlessly churned out of pure journalistic excellence by The Plastics.
The Plastics have solidified themselves among local chismosas keeping up with the hottest celebrity gossip. Starting strong, we have CrisTea Fermean, a veteran in the showbiz industry, who gains a ton of clout from spreading controversies—and getting sued for them. Next up is Xian “Billboard Boy” Gangsta, with his crazy amount of (and allegedly syndicate-funded) riches and laughable antics landed on mainstream media. Last but not least, we have BOOgie DiYASS, a once reputable actor-turned-talent manager, notorious for turning his back on the artists who used to trust him with their deepest and darkest secrets.
Nothing better than celebri-tea
The art of spreading newsworthy gossip is a practice mastered by generations of Filipinos, establishing the vibrant chismis culture that we all know and love. While this has been a daily occurrence to the everyday Filipino, The Plastics have taken it up a notch, building an empire out of bringing controversies to the tables of the masses.
“Sino ba kasi may ayaw ng chismis, diba? Pare-parehas lang naman tayo,” DiYASS chirps as he giggles to himself.
(Who doesn’t like gossip, right? We’re all on the same boat here.)
Truth be told, Filipinos share a passion for prying into the lives of their favorite celebrities, whether it may be something celebratory like an engagement between two iconic figures in showbiz, or something as shocking as that particular engagement being called off due to a piping hot scandal. “It’s all about knowing your audience. And it just so happens that Filipinos love to hear updates on their favorite celebrities,” Gangsta laughs as he reminisces about the time he rose to “stardom” when the public caught wind of his billboard stunt as he tried to ask Enrich Andrew Gonzalez out on a date.
And while The Plastics are all known for one thing in particular (aside from their constant embroilment in drama), the three of them have different reasons for engaging in such an unseemly industry. “It’s what gets me in people’s mouths,” Fermean explains. “The hotter your celebriTEA is, the more relevant you’ll be.” On the other hand, Gangsta cheekily smiles as he shares what got him into the chismis industry. “Simple. It’s a business. The more mainstream your ‘story’ is, the more money you’ll make from making appearances or making statements.”
Haters gonna hate, hate, hate
Even though The Plastics believe themselves to be bearers of showbiz news, they share that bashers annoyingly get in their way. “Fake news peddler daw kami like wtf?!” DiYASS exclaims while laughing mockingly. They speculate that these people are often the fans of celebrity couples they’ve spoken about. “They pretend to hate us, pero truth is, Marites din naman sila,” DiYASS says sassily.
(But, truth is, they’re also gossip mongers.)
However, it seems their days of glory in the gossip industry are numbered, as libel cases stack against them. Most recently, Fermean was slapped with a case because of speculations that a certain male celebrity owns a samgyupsal restaurant and a two-story apartment from a businessman who sponsors him—causing the former’s breakup from his fiancé. Regardless, Fermean believes she can fiercely face any charges against her. “I’m not only a veteran in showbiz news, [but] also in libel cases. My motivation is I don’t wanna live in jail, not like Xian.” Overhearing what Fermean said, Gangsta retorts, “I can pay for my bail, with tip, thank you.”
The Plastics promise their viewers they will remain nonchalant despite the hatred and criminal indictments thrown at them. Gangsta believes this hatred stems from green-eyed bashers who not only envy their connections to the hottest showbiz tea, but also from the fact that they profit off it. “Haters gonna hate y’know? Those idiots can talk to my titanium play button from WhyTube.” As long as celebrities make their personal lives interesting enough for public scrutiny, the notorious trio remains truly unstoppable in their quests. “Basta ang mahalaga, tapat kaming nagbabalita ng chismis at walang inaapakang tao,” DiYASS calmly declares.
(The important thing is that we report gossip honestly, and no one is being trampled on.)
Shiny, fake, and hard
With every celebrity couple breakup, the Plastics work double time to gather their data. “Grabe ang demand this year! Sa laki ng viewership, mas mayaman na ako kay FynestChina,” Gangsta jokes as he celebrates a spike in his viewership inside his P170,000 monthly rent, three-bedroom, five-toilet, floor-to-ceiling windows, 200-square meter, syndicate-funded condo.
(The demand this year is so high! With such a high viewership, I’m probably richer than FynestChina.)
Though social media trends and personalities often come and go, the Plastics have mastered the craft of remaining relevant in the gossip industry. “We just know how to provoke the public well,” Fermean asserts. “Filipinos love controversy—pasabog! Chismis about other people’s problems, especially scandalous ones, make us feel better about ourselves.”
(Explosive!)
As Filipinos remain hot for scalding tea, those who aspire to be gossip queens themselves can take a note or two from the top three Plastics. Gangsta advises any up-and-coming Marites to balance controversy with the facts, “Give the public the scandal that they want, pero dapat may pagka-authentic pa rin. Kung masyadong boring, edi bonggahan mo! Basta authentic,” Fermean relays that her reddit fan LanaDelS0lidNorte told her the exact same thing.
(But it still has to be authentic. If it’s too boring, then embellish it! So long as it’s authentic.)
The future is bright for these homegrown Plastics and the chismosas of our proud nation. With every new breakup, juicy rumor, or salacious whisper, trust that the triple threat of the gossip industry will serve journalistic excellence in every sensationalized story.
EDITOR’S NOTE: A previous version of the article contained sensitive information about a certain celebrity. Ms. Fermean has asked The LuhSallian to retract her statements related to this as she has reached her quota of libel cases for the year.
This article was published in The LaSallian‘s Spoof 2024 issue. To read more, visit bit.ly/TLSSpoof2024.