In the shadowy underbelly of society, where power brokers maneuver like chess pieces on a board of concrete and steel, the DiMatirice cockroach clan reigns supreme. Their influence casts a long shadow from Green Residences Taft to the bustling grounds of Kinnaur! Akino International Airport (KAIA).

“We just want to spread our wings, er, antennae, and reach greater heights,” says Antonio Miguel DiMatirice in an exclusive interview with The LuhSallian.

Spoiler alert: Ang mundo ay isang malaking Quiapo

It all started when KAIA struggled to maintain its clout amid certain challenges: failing to provide sufficient baggage carts, escorting passengers out who swear like a Duterte, and lacking the proper ventilation throughout its halls. The DiMatirice dynasty, like creatures who cripple in the dark, expertly navigate the perilous seas of politics and commerce to exploit the greatest riches. With the formation of the DiMatirice dynasty-led Antonio Miguel Corp. (AMC), a revolutionary concession was won to renovate and administer KAIA for an incredible 15 years. This privatization effort promises the government an enormous income boost of P900 billion.

The DiMatirice, each of them armed with six spiny legs, boundless tenacity, and ruthless adaptability, are poised to transform what was once a bureaucratic labyrinth into a well-oiled profit machine. “Who would have thought that it would cost this much for a bunch of keys?” Antonio Miguel boasts. 

The acquisition of KAIA by the DiMatirice clan wasn’t merely a business endeavor; it was a strategic maneuver in their overarching plan for ultimate cockroach dominance. In a human-dominated world, they managed to crawl and reign over KAIA, cementing their title as the ultimate masters of the sky. Insiders familiar with the DiMatirice clan’s operations have revealed clandestine actions. They are renovating their new fortress from the shadows of Green Residences Taft with an astounding 88 jillion expenditure. Their daring strategy demonstrates their Machiavellian cunning, as they tempt travelers with upgraded runways, cutting-edge technology, and a top-tier Baygon-fighting facility. These actions secure their control of one of the country’s busiest and most profitable airports.

Baygon collaboration

In an exclusive headquarters tour of the AMC, The LuhSallian reports the cozy and ambient offices of the top management. Antonio Miguel and his best-performing cronies work in a grandiose estate called Peyl Feelsen, consisting of 99 rooms that cater to their every whim. Bethvogue Jinebsba, one of the executives, merrily describes her experience as wonderful, especially in the company of her workmates. “Iba kapag sama-sama!” she exclaims. When inquired whether low-level employees also enjoy the same luxury, Jinebsba only asked in return, “We have low-level employees?”

(It’s different when you’re together.)

The grind doesn’t stop for AMC, even with the 24/7 access to Peyl Feelsen. Their goal of usurping KAIA has not left their mosaic vision of the future. Antonio Miguel knew that if they wanted this investment to be successful, they had to summon those who could venture to the highest ceilings and the deepest trenches of canals: Ickey Mause Clubhouse, the brigade of rats. Ratatuwi Gan Rong, the austere commander, is hands-on and meticulous in the way they plan day-to-day operations. 

“We hope our efforts and hard work will always be seen, not only by AMC but the people,” Gan Rong proudly states, as he ensures that every passenger will be welcomed warmly by a member of Ickey Mause. 

Sown into the palates of people, their first project has granted them unforgettable results in the culinary industry. “Pares was never the same again,” one of the Ickey Mause Clubhouse members said. Antonio Miguel, together with the promotion of Gan Rong, believes that the bright and promising future of KAIA is in their hands. Antonio Miguel ensures that they have enough practice and paved roads to handle the best-performing airport of all time. Nonchalantly, he utters, “I mean, how hard can it be?” 

Everyone’s pet, everyone’s a pet 

It’s not only planes and people in flight but also the wings and spiny legs working the white dance floor. In their uprising, the bedbugs we now see are envisioned to come forth along with the white-collared dynasties who go globetrotting with 25 international trips yearly. “The privacy of this establishme–[sic] scheme is secured and effective—KAIA is for the people, my people,” Antonio Miguel declares. The AMC has guaranteed this collaboration a future for a true buzzing, flying, and crawling economy. 

Indeed, AMC has made itself a powerful entity, not only in the market of commercial goods but even in public utility. After acquiring the rights to operate roads and now airports, anything is possible for these brown pesky creatures—and they’ve got their eyes set on big, revolutionary plans. “I don’t wanna divulge too much, but we’re starting our own podcast,” Antonio Miguel bravely discloses.

Cute as these “unfound pests” may be—as labeled by netizens—AMC continues to remind us that the little ones hold the keys: to open promised economic growth or to close the doors of a public utility. Like voracious pests, the DiMatirices will stop at nothing to expand their roach empire and tighten their stranglehold on the city’s resources. As they continue to amass wealth and influence, whispers of their true intentions grow louder, hinting at a future where the clan reigns supreme, unchallenged and untouchable.

This article was published in The LaSallian‘s Spoof 2024 issue. To read more, visit bit.ly/TLSSpoof2024.