The DLSU admin is again implementing another tuition fee increase (TFI). The Multi-Sectoral Consultative Committee on Tuition Fees announced in a town hall meeting that they greenlit a five-percent increase. The administration was notably absent from the gathering as members of the faculty, parent, and student sectors all appeared to explain their respective stances.
“Edi Benilde,” Barney Violet*, a whistleblower from the Office of the President, remarks when he revealed to The LuhSallian that the cause of the steep hike was the University’s new infrastructural development plan coined as BENILDE, or “Building Enhanced Necessities for Learning and Development,” which will comprise a list of planned “improvements and innovations.”
Putting our peso to use?
One project intended to “decorate” the campus is the integration of 24/6 bed and breakfast hotels and saunas into the Br. Andrew Gonzalez Hall stairway. Violet explains that apparently, the objective of the plan is to aid Lasallians in their upstairs hike by cutting the calories burned in the process by half. Never-before-seen technologies like adjustable temperature controls and audio systems are to be installed to “help students have a unique relaxation space [and] relieve muscle tension before class.”
In addition, the project will fund the Student Discipline and Formation Office (SDFO) to launch the “M Lhuillier Lost and Pawned” program that will sell unattended items to the pawnshops to be built in the M Lhuillier botanical garden and will imprison campus space hoarders for a day.
“Yes, ikukulong namin sa cage doon nang isang araw ‘yung hoard nang hoard para ‘di na nila isiping wala silang pwesto. It will be in the new unreleased handbook,” the SDFO confirms in an interview.
(Yes, we will lock up those who keep hoarding in the cage for a day so they do not think they will not have a place to stay.)
Violet also relays plans of accommodating the students’ obsession with coffee by frequently changing the pool water at the Enrique M. Razon Sports Center with popular flavors of the beverage such as spanish lattes, and the crowd-favorite matcha, with scientifically enlarged rice straws as pool noodles so Lasallians can bathe and gulp their delicious drinks during their swimming classes.
“It would also lessen the gastos of students by simply scooping up their favorite drinks from the pool right after their swimming lessons and make their ‘Day in the life’ TikTok videos a lot more fun,” the Office of Sports Development confirms in an interview.
The project will also bring developments to the Laguna Campus. Golf lovers can enjoy a 32-hectare golf course for “University officials, millionaires who donated buildings, alumni, and other non-students who are over 55 years old.”
“I overheard admin say na hindi raw pwedeng taga-UP (University of the Philippines) ang out of touch. We should keep our number one spot there sa THE Out of Touch Rankings daw,” Miguel discloses.
The program will also allocate funds to the Information Technology Services Office in addressing longstanding problems with the My.LaSalle (MLS) portal by replacing the site’s mascot, Will Smith, with modern business mogul Josh Mojica, so that Lasallians can be more motivated to improve their grades and DLSU can transform tuition fees into millions.
A possible revamp of AnimoSpace will also be done, taking cues from the “joyful reception” received by the Chinese New Year theme. Students can look forward to monthly updates including glittery rainbow cursors, a soundboard featuring latest TikTok trends, and more themed backgrounds commemorating famous events in Philippine history such as the Battle of Praybeyt Benjamin and AlDub’s first meeting.
Surprise!
A separate leak on these plans had been unveiled in a DLSU Freedom Wall post, which sent the Lasallian community clamoring for the truth from the administration. In a rare move, DLSU President Br. Benny Sisig Okra FSC confirmed the rumors in his own town hall meeting via Instagram Live the same day and said that the first set of constructions and talks for their two-year project are now in the works.
“We believe this project will truly foster the welfare of the Lasallian community. We guessed and knew what they needed without consulting like we usually do because we know each other so much,” Okra happily added.
However, he expressed his disappointment and frustration toward the leak, as they were planning to surprise Lasallians with a grandiose reveal.
“We were going to surprise the University with a bang through a launch party, but I suppose the hype would fall short now since we have to come clean and students have been doubting us,” Okra lamented.
Though there is no more surprise, Okra shared that the launch party will still push through at the Enrique M. Razon Sports Center milk tea and coffee swimming pool and via Zoom to test out their hybrid swimming equipment. The party will include an all-expense-paid buffet party in partnership with Wolfgang, unlimited drinks from nearby bars, and even performances from Pinoy pop icons 4th Impakta and AG from the East.
Problems with the inadequate development of facilities and academic sectors of the University have been under the radar by the student body, so Okra is hoping that this resolves matters.
“This is groundbreaking, literally. DLSU might just transform into the next Okada Manila with these otherworldly developments and they’d call it Okra-da,” he jested.
As pent up frustrations and demands for accountability on the increase of TFI continue to stir the conversations of the student body, Okra assured that they would not let the BENILDE project go to waste.
“Ang puso ko’y nagdurugo at parang sumisikip ang dibdib ko sa tuwing nakikita ko na tinutuligsa kami ng mga Lasalyano. Chill muna kayo, DLSU. Kami bahala sa pera niyo,” Okra addressed the community.
(My heart is bleeding and my chest tightens when I see Lasallians denouncing us. Chill, DLSU. We’ll handle your money.)
Names in asterisk (*) are pseudonyms
This article was published in The LaSallian‘s Spoof 2024 issue. To read more, visit bit.ly/TLSSpoof2024.