The DLSU administration’s most recent greenlighting of the 4.4 percent tuition fee increase (TFI) after the dreadful Townhall has been met with questions, clarifications, and violent reactions from the angry Lasallian mob. University President Brodie Bong Goura Piattos BBL released a singular statement on social media, citing that the increase will be going toward something that will “elevate our standing as a serious academic institution” to consequently make the institution “great again,” whatever that means. 

His statement was met with paid troll bots in the comments, with the newly resurrected “Archer’s Freedom Wall” even changing its display photo to an edited photo of the displaced AmphiGongs with pitchforks in solidarity. 

Where is it actually going, Vella?

With the recent TFI being implemented in the coming academic year, students speculate on possible reasons behind the increase. Theories from past years of tuition increases also resurface amid the mysterious and eerie silence from the administration. 

“I heard na lahat ng tuition natin, napunta lang sa mga koi. Six-digit (costing hundreds of thousands) koi raw ang mga yan! Hand-fed with sashimi from Japan!” Dodong Enrique (X, BS-A) reveals. 

Miggy Chippy (I, BS-PSYCH) claims differently. “Ginamit yung last year na 5.5 percent to buy the cage. What else would they need the tuition increase for, except for something to put inside? I heard the hag alumni want a peacock to increase school spirit and improve mental health. They don’t even go here anymore!” 

“I heard from the admin that the tuition will be going toward improving the websites. It’s about time, honestly. We should be able to post ‘MyDays’ and watch reels while waiting for enrollment.” Jenny Sequa (V, BS-ST)  gushes. “I loved the gay background during Pride month!”

Uniformity at its finest

In a move that made the Lasallian community jump in their seats, DLSU formally announced that the 4.4-percent tuition fee increase would be used to fund mandatory uniforms for all colleges. This decision follows in the footsteps of the oldest existing university in Biringan City, reintroducing a strict dress code that the administration believes will restore order—and maybe a bit less self-expression.

According to statements from the Disciplinary and Derogatory Services (DDS), the University is reintroducing a uniform policy that will roll out in 2025. The new attire, supplied by Uniqlo, will prioritize simplicity and uniformity. Think neutral tones, straightforward designs, and clothing that blends in seamlessly—nothing too bold or individualistic. It’s a style aimed at ensuring students are always “presentable” for any occasion, particularly those that require a beige personality.

Tuition boost for a “tailored” experience

As part of the new uniform initiative, the University has set a strict list of guidelines. 

Hair that dares to stray from the natural palette is now officially banned, with a clear exception for the ever-popular balayage that somehow has the girls clamoring to the next Korean salon. Gone are the days of proudly wearing the royal blue Mera top; in fact, it’s now practically a crime to show up in it, because apart from it tremendously resembling the University’s rival school’s colors, it also boasts that the wearer got it at a competitive price. 

And if you were thinking of embracing the comfort of four-inch inseam shorts? Forget it. Men will now have to adjust to a new standard of modesty, jodhpurs. As for the Formula 1 fans in the crowd, any hope of sporting your Red Bull Racing or Mercedes-AMG Petronas Formula One Team gear has been dashed—apparently, the only teams allowed are those who sponsor the uniform itself, like nepotism-laden Aston Martin Aramco Formula One Team. With these changes, the University seems intent on curating a student body that all looks the same—just with varying degrees of enthusiasm about it.

With this policy, DLSU is making it clear that while academic freedom is encouraged, freedom in how students express themselves through clothing is not. Despite gagging students, faculty, and the public, this policy and the TFI are clearly a vital and necessary move from the University to establish stricter order and uniformity. By 2025, perhaps an even higher TFI could be implemented to further improve the aesthetics of the University and its students. Piattos hopes that every student will find their personal style within the confines of a neat, simple uniform—because apparently, that’s all the “expression” they need.

This article was published in The LaSallian‘s Spoof 2025 issue. To read more, visit bit.ly/TLSSpoof2025.