The Quiapo District is home to stalls of fortune tellers, palm readers, and spellcasters from all walks of life. Hidden among them is a lady both vivacious and shrouded in mystery. She has assumed many appearances through the years and been called every name in the book, from magical and malevolent, to a visionary and devil worshipper. Without a doubt, Lady Gaga is infamous among these streets as Quiapo’s most illustrious manghuhula.
Judas* (II, AB-POM) claims that when he was at a crossroads with his identity, equally as lost in the busy district, darkness came over him—a comically large, blunt, blonde bob had blocked the sun. He recounts, “She told me I was born this way. At first, I was offended, because who the hell says that? But she said to hold my head up and I’ll go far; I instantly felt better.”
Today, she looms over Quiapo in a blood red spiky cape and hat with clawed latex gloves, donning a pale and mean poker face. “There are no more tears to cry. I heard you begging for life,” she announces. In an interview with The LuhSallian, Gaga returns to spell out the mythical and mayhem for Manila.
A star was born
“I didn’t ask for a free ride, I only asked for a real good time,” Gaga details how her spiritual powers awakened. While seeking answers at the capital, she experienced an unshakable pull to fly to Manila. She recalls, “It was half psychotic, sick, and hypnotic. But I knew where I had to be, I got my blueprint, it [was] symphonic.”
Though based in Quiapo, Gaga remarks that she lets her instincts guide her to where she is needed the most. She often finds herself in strange settings, yet always certain she is called there for a reason. “[It happens almost] every night: No sleep, bus, club, another club, ‘nother club, plane, next place, no sleep, no fear,” she attests, with the string lights adorning her strangely shrouded stall blinking every time she claps. When asked who she thinks is behind her gift, she corrects that she is simply a channel of rhythmic energy. She reveals, “I left my head and my heart on the dance floor.”
Her patrons are of similar natures. Donatella (III, ART-POP) attests, “People thought I had voodoo powers because I was blonde, skinny, and rich. Gaga was the only one who recognized the magic radiating in me.” One might think it would be easy to spot her with her outlandish getups, but Gaga only reveals herself to those with open hearts. The manghuhula divulges that she’s had people from all walks of life enter her stall; not if they seek her out themselves, but when they have been deemed by “God and the Gays” to be ready and in need of redirection—mysteriously, especially in times of economic crisis. “God makes no mistakes. When [my patrons] find me, they’re always on the right track,” she confidently asserts.
Playing the LoveGame
Much like the infinite universe, life presents a multitude of possibilities and opportunities simply waiting to be discovered. In reading one’s destiny, Gaga finds that the only limit is a patron’s creativity. While the answers to one’s greatest queries may be set in the stars, they can only be divined with the right questions. Diving into the deep end and far from the shallow palm and tarot readings, Gaga also offers a variety of spiritual tokens or agimats, promising luck, prosperity, and healing. Her catalog ranges from crocheted keychains and bejeweled pens, to meat-inspired handbags, heels towering as high as 24 inches, and vials of unidentified substances—catering to both the discreet and the occult.
Above all, however, Gaga is most known for her wide array of LoveDrugs and potions or gayuma, and offerings of kulam. One of Gaga’s patrons, Ariana Venti, sought out protection after a nasty breakup with her abusive partner Alejandro. She describes Gaga as “talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, completely not ever been done before, unafraid to reference or not reference,” among other increasingly obscene expletives.
Through her craft, Lady Gaga brings justice to the mistreated, leaving not just resounding words of inspiration, but also taking great strides toward equality. “It’s my mission to make sure that no individual, no matter gay, straight, or bi, ever suffers under a bad romance,” the diviner explains.
While many of Gaga’s believers have sworn their undying loyalty to her, dubbing themselves as her “Little Monsters,” many view the field of panghuhula and pangkukulam as nothing more than ploys for money. But to Gaga, this is not about wealth, but about assisting in gay awakenings and career on-trackings. She expresses, “Honey, if I wanted money, all I need to do is tease a single and the stan accounts on X will do all the work for me.”
On the right track
The lost frequently approach Gaga and seek her unending wisdom and illuminating guidance. When rising pop star Scalpel Road almost got canceled for being a mean lesbian, she came to Gaga looking for advice on finding confidence and purpose. The fortune teller repeatedly advised her, “A hundred people can be in a room, and ninety-nine don’t believe in you, and just one person believes in you, and it can change everything.” Since then, Road’s life has turned for the better, reminding herself that she gets the job done.
Road, Venti, Donatella, and Judas are just four of the millions that the lady in red has helped navigate the mayhem that is dubbed life. Her words provide ease to her patrons, soothing their souls with her profound messages. “Abracadabra! Amor oo na na. Abra ca da bra. Morta oo gaga,” she chants, and every room where she does so fills with an indescribable and irreplicable solemnness.
When asked about the impact she wants to leave on the world, Gaga maintains a humble and reflexive perspective. “If I can help even one person find their true calling, then I can die with a smile,” she explains, demonstrating her commitment to impart guidance to her patrons.
So when you’re all choked up, but can’t find the words, seek out the lady in red with your heart and she will be there, waiting to greet you in her cramped stall along Quiapo with her familiar welcome: “Do you see me now?”
*Names with asterisks (*) are pseudonyms.
This article was published in The LaSallian‘s Spoof 2025 issue. To read more, visit bit.ly/TLSSpoof2025.