Are you aware of the unhinged proteins in your body that take cancel culture way too seriously? Imagine them as skyscraper-toppling kittens, grape-sized in stature but colossal in impact. These molecular marvels, spotlighted by the Journal of Immuno-flopology, are crucial in the immune response—but are also capable of wreaking havoc.

The plasma proteins, with their iconic stage names all starting with C, are birthed by the mother liver and remain deceased (inactive) until they get dragged by different pathways. Three drag queens (main pathways) activate the complement system: classical, lectin, and alternative. 

The Classical Pathway is where antibodies detect the tea on the flops (pathogens) and send screenshots to the group chat (GC) for warning. C1q, the GC admin, tags the target, which severely triggers the proteins to start a complement activation. Next is the Lectin Pathway. With no antibodies needed, these proteins straight-up drag you the moment mannose-binding lectin spots a botched fit (pathogen surface), and then they cover mannose-containing carbohydrates on the membrane surface, which starts the complement activation.

The most dramatic, in the Alternative Pathway, is pure chaos: a spontaneous hydrolysis from C3 that attaches to the membrane of pathogens (like it’s magnetic) that cascades into an innate immune response against the pathogens it attaches to. All these pathways meet at the C3 convertase conference that leads to the lytic pathway for flop obliteration, where the Death Star (Membrane Attack Complex) forms, killing pathogens in the process. 

Now, how do these divas read these flops and clock them for their tea (being foreign bodies) before obliterating them into the backrooms? Well, they do it in style, with a few features from the other divas of the immune system on their new diss track. Let’s break it down for you. 

You might think “quote tweets” from stan accounts cancel more people on X (formerly Twitter). But C3b quote tweets (tagging for phagocytosis) these flops so they can be canceled, as C1 binds to the enemies to initiate the Classical Pathway to brew some drama. Meanwhile, C3a acts as a potent inflammatory signal or anaphylatoxin, tagging their oomfs (followers) to rally the troops (immune cell recruitment). C5a is an even stronger anaphylatoxin than C3a because it is a powerful chemoattractant that attracts aggressive immune cells, induces inflammation, enhances phagocytosis, and increases blood vessel permeability. 

But the real showstopper? C5b-C9, who activate their “Winx transformation” and put the Transformers to shame by forming the Death Star that targets the enemy’s cell membrane. The assembled Death Star creates pores in the membranes of those flops, and unlike Spongebob, who naturally has holes, a ruptured membrane with holes leads to lysis, where their waists are nowhere to be found. Their insides leak out from the holes in their membrane, and they just…die fr. 

Gram-negative bacteria are just another mukbang for the cancel system, while gram-positive bacteria may think they are untouchable with their thicc ahh walls. But those tags by C3b? Oh, mama, a WHITE BLOOD CELL BEHIND YOU. The same goes for these enormous fungi or parasites, you will get jumped. Viruses think they are slick as well, but once they get caught, those proteins are locked in. All these foreign bodies get deported by the cancel system—true equality.

This system is the first line of defense in the war against the flops, using their tagging ability and Death Star formation. It enhances the adaptive immunity of the body by teaching the B cells to become divas. This, in turn, will change their name to CR2-engaged B cell when C3d binds to B cell’s CR2 receptors. Enhanced B cells have a lower activation threshold, making them more effective at reading and clocking tea (recognizing and responding to pathogens). 

But sometimes, even these mothers (immune and complement components) flop and become their worst nightmare, causing autoimmune disorders—DIVA DOWN! When immune and complement components lose tolerance, they cause damage and inflammation, but the cancel system humbles these diva wannabes by activating phagocytes to eat them up. 

Some cells undergo programmed cell death called apoptosis to maintain health, prevent disease, and regulate cell populations. The cancel system ensures this happens by tagging these cells,  clocking them and other damaged cells for who they really are, then calling the phagocytes to eat them up. This prevents those fallen divas (mutated or older damaged cells) from triggering autoimmunity, which may cause unnecessary damage and inflammation. C3a and C5a then promote cell regeneration as well as angiogenesis or new blood vessel formation. 

Hope this makes you realize that all of these happen inside a person’s body. That’s why you should stop eating those burgers all the time and maintain this system by sustaining a healthy diet and an active lifestyle.

This article was published in The LaSallian‘s Spoof 2025 issue. To read more, visit bit.ly/TLSSpoof2025.