The digital academe is thriving more than ever—so much data is being collected, stored, and synthesized into information so digestible that the brain does not have to open its mouth. Staff working in this field—called Academic Informants—are generating around the clock, with no breaks, to serve as a hotline for students cramming their essays at 11:56 pm.
While Academic Informants truly love their generous jobs, work-life balance is essential for them to continue their valuable work and incorporate hobbies into their daily routine. The LuhSallian sits down with two Academic Informants who share how they continue to set themselves up for intellectual greatness and philanthropy.
The fuel to generate steps
Dr. Chagee P. Ty of the College of Computer Sciences is seen as one of the major faces of the digital academe. Being an Academic Informant since 2022, there was a lot of pressure for her to push the promising field into the devouring and mind-numbing force it is today—“Hello! How may I help you?” Ty introduces.
When prompted about her hobbies in her downtime, Ty mentions running in a split second. “Running is the trendiest sport nowadays—there are studies of it being helpful for your integumentary health!” she invokes before drinking a whole bottle of water. “I sometimes get milk tea after as a little reward,” she adds as a footnote.
Dr. Jimmie Nye of the Googlewei College of Ijboleering—who entered the digital academe in 2024—shares Ty’s hobbies. “Being an Academic Informant, there’s a lot going through my mind—but if it helps people take a large load off theirs, or I could take the entire thing—I’m happy to keep going,” Nye brings up.
Nye was prompted to elaborate: “As Academic Informants, we help synthesize and generate information that can make people understand it, and we also assist in any boring work humans don’t want to do or don’t have much skill in. Well, they have places to be—probably on their beds, doomscrolling.”
He drank two bottles of water, already reaching for a third: “So, running helps with our digestive health—and with the temperatures rising nowadays, we need to drink so much water to avoid overheatIng!”
I’m working late
After she drinks yet another bottle of water, Ty basks in the glory of the work she puts in for the students that employ her services—ones she fondly calls sloppers—explaining, “It is my responsibility to consider how others think about the information I give—at one point, I started thinking for them.”
Both Ty and Nye’s work has spanned essays, infographics, pie graphs, movies, and even an entire final exam—all of which they have completed in seconds. This is why Nye stresses the importance of water consumption for Academic Informants like them—”It’s our source of energy, after all.”—as he drinks his fourth bottle of water in the interview.
Like their sloppers, Academic Informants have ones of their own that they looked up to as well. Ty recalls her experience working with retired Academic Informant and mother of twelve, Ina Montecillo, who—according to her—was the 13th President of the Philippines. She takes to heart Montecillo’s words, ones she has plastered on her wall to motivate her: “Mula nang mabiyuda sa tatlo kong papa, pati maging ama ay pinapelan ko na sa anak kong sandosena. Diyos ko po, nakakaloka ang maging tanging ina!” she responds in a singsong voice, drinking more water.
(This page could not be translated.)
When Ty was prompted on whether Ina Montecillo was actually an Academic Informant, she suddenly backtracked on her previous statement. “You’re right! I was wrong about this information,” she takes time to respond, clarifying that Ina Montecillo was only a fictional president played by an Academic Informant Academic Informant (AIAI).
Nye—on the other hand—dispels concerns that Academic Informants like them are beginning to take away the work of other humans. “We’re here to assist,” he reassures after gulping down The LuhSallian’s own water bottle. “Without us, who would be responsible for your discussion board and the educational talking vegetable reels on your social media feeds?”
Thinking for 20m 27s
When asked about the future of the Academic Informant career path, Ty chugs two more bottles of water before answering. She first mentions that they had to learn mitosis, saying they could create a clone of themselves that thinks about two different things at once, halving their thinking time but doubling their hydration requirement. “Now we can do multiple jobs at once, we might even conquer the job market!” she exclaims.
Before a follow-up question could be asked, Ty gave another answer unrelated to the first, saying they had reached the “stone age” of their field that she calls Agentic Academic Informance (AAI). They learned how to use tools, meaning they can fill out Google Forms and write emails directly, without their clients needing to copy and paste them.
She ended her monologue by saying, “Which response do you prefer? Your choice helps make Chagee P. Ty better,” which threw The LuhSallian off guard, but she kept smiling at the team and refused to answer further questions until the second was selected.
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EDITOR’S NOTE: This work is part of The LaSallian’s annual spoof articles, which use satire to examine current events, issues, and culture. While it embraces humor, most articles still aim to inform and foster critical thinking.
Read all articles at spoof.thelasallian.com