“I think it’s the fentanyl,” President Blengbong Narcos Jr. rebuts, after accusations of illegal substance abuse were made by former president Rodrigo Dudirty to the former last January 29.
Rocking the entire country into a mass media frenzy, Filipinos tuned in to witness this gripping tension between two powerful political dynasties tighten. Excessive sensationalization of the encounter has pivoted the issue into clownery and horseplay. Meanwhile, on the sidelines, the Filipino keyboard warrior clan fulfills their innate calling to brawl with one another behind the comfort of their screens, to defend their party and bring the opposing team down.
This is the Narcos v. Dudirty ultimate Narc Wars: Sino ang tunay na nagbabato?
(Who’s the real addict?)
Stash of ammunition
Narcos, while on his way to a very, very serious Formula 1 fan gathering, found it imperative to address these accusations—while remaining radio-silent on corruption accusations—because “drugs are a no-no” and stealing from the country is fine and will be forgotten in a few weeks. Although China may be Dudirty’s best-hidden arsenal against his former best friend turned rival, being the founding father of the war on drugs still wouldn’t put Dudirty at the highest pedestal.
“Norem ako dito madami,” he raps in response when asked if he has evidence of Dudirty’s drug use. But all he has to reveal is, “I hope Dudirty’s doctors take better care of him,” he says, dethroning Daniel Padilla’s reign as the leading nonchalant figure of Philippine show business.
(I have a lot here with me.)
Having heard these comments, Dudirty quickly retaliates, calling out the “magnanakaw-core” Narcos as “malamang dope, nag–coke, na–broke, kasi hindi siya nag–behave.” He rants further, “‘Di siya bagay sa F1, dapat sa Grand Theft Auto,”
(Robber. Of course he’s dope, took coke, got broke, because he didn’t behave…F1 doesn’t look good on him, but Grand Theft Auto does.)
As cracks between the Narcos-Dudirty alliance reveal themselves in an orderly fashion, the Facebook Chapter of the Philippine Judicial Court resorts to their most trusted news source—conspiracy theories and emotional status updates from fanatics. “Takot lng msyado sa ICC (International Criminal Court) at nasilip ung mga confi (sic) funds nyong bilyones [ang halaga],” a Facebook user exclaims about Narcos. This feud begins to go down in history as the Game of Thrones of the Philippines, with fewer lines of soldiers and countless lines of libel and white powder.
(They’re scared that the ICC will look into Narcos’ billions worth of confidential funds.)
Bet on your adik
With these two political figures making the headlines every night, their petty feud quickly turned into a national obsession. Filipinos now find themselves divided between Narcossists and Dudirtynatics, rabidly attacking anyone who dares call their idol an addict.
Chronically online X user @4everAlDub who has never touched grass, posted, “Accusing Dudirty of being an addict is like saying AlDub is not real.” Minutes after posting, random Narcossists flooded her with replies saying, “guard may nagsha-shabu”, “delulu si ate koh”, and “hanapin mo muna anak ng AlDub.”
The cyberbullying is only a small matter of the bigger picture. Discontented with the Narc Wars online campaign, people are coming out of their social media echo chambers to defend their idol’s sobriety in small makeshift kiosks that resemble lotto outlets: the betting poll precincts. Across the nation, people line up to place their stakes in these poll precincts set up in every corner of every street of every barangay, gated subdivision, and Villar-owned landmass.
For betting watchdog Richard Bho-Ang, every bet counts. “If you can’t win in the court of law, you can count on the court of public opinion—that’s something CrisTEA Fermean probably said,” he explains. Total money wagered has amounted to P100 million as of press time, with the highest stake amounting to P20 million coming from an unknown bettor. “Baka galing kay kangkong chips Josh Mojica,” Bho-Ang alleges. “Napakalupet, parang may mahika yan si Mojica!”
(So intense, like Mojica’s got magic!)
But the circumstances seem to be losing momentum. No one can ascertain how long these betting polls will last, or if bettors will ever get their money back. Increasingly restless of waiting for the final verdict, the public has begun ransacking the betting precincts and stealing the wager money. To this, Bho-Ang admits he doesn’t care if the bets get squandered, or if no ultimate verdict is reached in the Narc Wars. “I’m already on [redacted]’s payroll. Money, money dancin’ lang sa haters like ooh!”
The drug days are (not) over
Much of the debacle is met with dismay by people who see the dogfighting as a diversion from real issues in the country. Many complain that the mudslinging has taken over social media, television, and radio, that the rivalry has turned into an entertainment show. While prices of commodities continue to skyrocket, Narcos and Dudirty are situated deep in a crossfire of multiple and absurd accusations on who is the true addict.
“Kung ganito umasta ang mga opisyal ng gobyerno, kung humaharap sila sa publiko nang ganito, paano na lang nila pangungunuhan ang bansa sa mga mas malalaking na issue?” Facebook user Markus Heatler laments. He adds that the issue on drugs has put Filipinos into a state of mental confusion, as if they, too, were being drugged. In an attempt to win over the argument, Narcos and Dudirty have done the singular effect of putting Filipinos in a hazy spiral.
(If government officials act like this [publicly], if they face the public this way, how are they going to lead the nation in more serious issues?)
Several militant groups believe that the collusion of money and political power has made this possible. “Gawa-gawang isyu ang bakbakan ng dalawang ito para pagtakpan ang kapabayaan sa bansa,” activist Lou Maban exclaimed. Asked to weigh in on the issue, she says, “They’re both addicts—addicts of plunder.” For Maban, the two officials are two sides of the same coin: high on wealth and high on power.
(Their in-fighting is an orchestrated issue meant to cover up their neglect of the country.)
Today, Filipinos are left bewildered in the narcotics issue that Narcos and Dudirty have started—and they have no plans of ending. Caught in a political spectacle, many are left in the dark about what’s next in addressing the problems the nation is facing. As for the common Filipinos accused of drug use, they have already been killed by the State, deemed as public enemy, vilified by the very government full of stoned clowns in a tragic circus.
This article was published in The LaSallian‘s Spoof 2024 issue. To read more, visit bit.ly/TLSSpoof2024.